Totally unrelated humour, because.
I’m, surprised at the impact mom’s health crisis is having on me, but perhaps I shouldn’t be. She looks so awful, so close to death, but she isn’t really dying, not yet. But so much is rearranging itself inside my head, it’s as if I’m grieving what hasn’t happened yet.
Emotionally, I’ve been all over the map. I know I was pretty close to caregiver burnout before mom’s stroke even happened, and that was followed by a couple of weeks of daily 2-hour hospital visits. Mom was kind of perking up, although she couldn’t walk or toilet herself, and she started this aggravating behaviour where she would text or call me several times a day asking if and when I was coming to see her.
I suspect the reality is that as a species, we can’t handle reality. We know that all of us practice self-deception on a regular basis just to survive, and in that example it can be seen as adaptive and appropriate. But a new kind of deception is becoming mainstream, a kind practiced by some right-wing politicians specifically meant to manipulate and deceive masses of people.
A reader recently commented on an old blog post, Finding freedom, paradoxically which motivated me to go back and review it (something I don’t usually do, but should). It was an interesting read, and many months later, I still believe that I was correct. While there have been a great many hills and valleys since moving ashore, I can honestly say that it has never been dull, although it has often been difficult. And I’ve not had many experiences of a lack of meaning or ennui.