One thing that occurs to me about being on T replacement therapy is that it really is about ego. If anything, the hormone itself is essentially bottled ego – it’s what drives us, gives us energy, keeps us moving. It allows us to go into the world and affect things. We often tend to think of ego in terms of such things as ambition, selfishness, and narcissism, but I see it in a more nuanced manner, as the drive that puts what we think of as self, interacting with the world according to our own wishes, wants, beliefs and needs.
It’s impossible to do this, impossible to even move without ego behind it. Ego makes us say to ourselves “I’m here and I want to go there”. Even saying I don’t want to go anywhere and be still remains ego driven. If you’re a Buddhist master perhaps you can transcend this instinct, but it’s an entirely different way of being from the one that humanity runs by.
Bit of a delay in writing this post; since my last, we finished my friend’s decks and we moved into a downtown condo. And then had bunch of family come into town for a visit. Life has been extremely busy. I even had another post almost finished and left it, and a software update arrived and I restarted my computer without saving it. White folk problems.
What I can say is it has been ridiculously busy and stressful, and I don’t know how I would have done it without the added boost of going on testosterone supplementation. To be clear: I’m no ‘roid monkey nor do I intend to bulk up or use the hormone to become some hypermasculine stereotype. The supplement is intended to simply raise my T levels to normal. What should be normal for a 54 year old man might be subjective as we all lose T production as we age, but it seemed mine dropped lower than expected.
As many people know, I’m pretty open to new experiences and experimenting with life. This has provided both great rewards and unmitigated disasters. My latest foray into the novel unknown has aspects of both middle-aged desperation and intense curiosity, and by god I’m glad I did it.